Hello Martha’s Vineyard

zuckerbergserious

Greetings everyone! And for those of you who still may not recognize me… Yes, I am Mark Zuckerberg, and I’ll be your intellectual speaker this evening. First of all, I can’t tell you all what a thrill it is for me tonight, to be with all of you hard-working, down to earth, common folks… here at Martha’s Vineyard. Can we get that microphone turned up a little more please? Thank you guys. Well, I see we have the U.S. Representative for the great state of Massachusetts, Joe Kennedy and his family with us here tonight. Glad you could make it Joe! How are those kids? Alright! Can you people in the back hear me okay now? Yeh? That’s great! Wonderful… wonderful…

Well, I’m delighted to have this opportunity to address you all this evening, on the topic of peace and tolerance in this new age of ours, through digitally enhanced, thoughtful and continuous concessionism, and how that facilitates the greatest coming together of civilized man in history, beginning right out there on Facebook… which I created. Thank you… thank you. No. Please… Hold the applause. Really… you’re much too kind.

The news for the present is far from what our generation would hope for, my faithful followers. I have hosted several conferences at my corporate headquarters this past year with the greatest philosophers and men and women in the mental and neurological disciplines of our time, and it has unfortunately been concluded that there is currently zero percent chance of achieving continual ‘peace and tolerance’ as defined by Webster, anytime, anywhere, within the confines of existing societal structures. An indication in my book that something’s gotta give.

Whether it’s peace in the real-world, or the LCDs in the face, virtual world of social networking that I’ve hooked you all on, your brain’s easily pissed-off limbic system will continue to stay one step ahead of a practical lobotomy for now, and there simply isn’t enough Thorazine on the planet to knock the meanness out of every human being. In other words, I didn’t bring a magic peace potion in my pocket to send you home with tonight, so don’t post any threatening tweets to me tomorrow or I’ll ban your tukas from Facebook… unless you point a gun at me of course… in which case I’ll run like the Flash downstairs to the corporate bunker!

As for Facebook tolerance, the aforementioned experts also tell me that most of you are so buzzed on caffeine, pills or lack of sleep from morning ’til night, that you’ve got one eye permanently trained on the ‘Unfriend’ button, with your trigger finger on the mouse, itching to click the sucker or type “WTF?!” as soon as the next opposing comment shows up. So I began asking myself, “Mark, how is the whole, ‘Why can’t we all just get along’ thing ever going to work with already perpetual offense-defense wired brains that are now on steroids?”

Folks, raise your hands out there in the audience if you truly believe you can make it through an entire year on Facebook, without either inadvertently offending or taking issue with someone by giving voice to your now ‘has to be wrong’ belief systems and refusing to surrender unconditionally to that wonderful blameless soul’s last 20 agitating comments, and so prevent the loss of yet another ‘never met before’ friend being tossed out with yesterday’s trash. I see three hands way in the back there. Well, I’m sorry to inform you three, but the timeline of human behavioral patterns says you wont be able to do it for 365 days in a row because both you and your friend’s emotions are lurking behind the brain’s ancient amygdala, waiting to jump out and see how fast they can open or shut the door in your faces; and it only gets exacerbated in the virtual world as one habitually perceives the other as never quite up to their level of knowing and in need of being shown the real facts of the matter. Shame on you barbaric cave dwellers! Catch up with the times why don’t ya.

Now here’s an original Zuckerberg idea I came up with last month that we can all get our minds around. Tomorrow you all deposit twenty-five dollars in one of my banks, and whoever comes out walking on water after twelve months of total non-confrontation, including typing words that can be taken more than one way, to a ‘not as close as you thought’ friend, takes it all? Naturally I’ll put a clause in the rules that states if no one wins, I get to keep the money and use it to buy up all the available stock in Apple… just because I can. I’ll come back to this idea later.

Barring catastrophe, no typical American grade school kid has learned any more as a child than i did about the brains terrifying emotional capacity. We lived right across the street from the school when I was growing up and I first began learning about peace and tolerance at the early age of seven. There was a bully named Jimmy Decker in second grade that would corner me at recess. Every day he would knock me down, take the lunch money out of my pants pocket, and then spit in my face. My mom told me to tell him, “Give peace a chance.” I came home the next day with a broken tooth and a busted lip, and she asked me what happened. I said, “I told Jimmy to, give peace a chance”, and he said, “Give me a chance at a piece of your sister and I’ll only take your lunch money on Tuesdays.” “Then he punched me in the mouth and took my lunch money.”

That was the year of my greatest epiphany. My mom always got weekends off from work, so early one Saturday morning I took moms credit card from her purse before she woke up, hopped the bus over to Radio Shack and bought a pair of walkie talkies and hid them under my bed when I got back. I slipped the credit card back in mom’s purse while she was over at the new neighbors playing bridge, and hurried upstairs to my room to work out the details of my master plan.

The following Friday, mom came screeching into the driveway from work in the middle of the day after getting a call from principal Powell, wanting to know if the reason I had been absent from school all week was because I had the same flu that was sending all the other kids home sick. She burst into my room screaming, “Why have you been skipping school all week young man?!” Confidently I said, “I no longer require the physical accouterments of continuing education mother. I duck taped a voice activated walkie talkie with a five year battery under the teacher’s desk, and now I can do my lessons without ever leaving the house, so the solution to the Jimmy Decker enigma and your ever growing fiscal loss of lunch money has been handily resolved at the same time.” Pretty clever huh.

I had to ride with her in the back seat to return the walkie talkies and was grounded for the entire summer for lifting mom’s credit card, but the potential of my concept of learning things remotely, stuck with me like glue on flypaper from then on. Oh, I’m sorry folks. I digressed there didn’t I… It’s a Zuckerberg thing. Where was I?

Human aspirations of living in a perpetually harmonious society have remained globally illusive because even though we know what that word ‘peace’ implies, our unharnessed, emotion-driven brains will never be capable of pulling it off, twenty-four seven… even if we all lived to be five-hundred years old! And greed is one of the biggest culprits right up there at the top of the human frailties ladder, requiring no teaching whatsoever. It just sprouts right out of the brain as a toddler. By the way, “I ate my ice cream, and now I want yours… plus that yellow Tonka truck you’re loading playsand into with mom’s tablespoon and making all those engine noises with your mouth. I can do that better than you can. That’s not even how an engine sounds. It goes, “brrrrrr…brumm brumm, chhhtt.”

The only snow storm chance in Hades for any semblance of tolerance on this earth while clinging to our grandparents ridiculous ancient values, would be to continuously concede with no drugs or alcohol while maintaining that silly, “We the People” nonsense at the same time… on every topic, everywhere, continuously, which would be ungoverned chaos with unrelenting brain fire. Anyway, that’s how it was explained to me by the experts, so I’m reasonably certain about that…

Okay everyone… This is the part of the evening I’ve been waiting for. It’s time to unveil the grand ‘Mark Zuckerberg Solution’! I present for your approval this evening, my ultimate plan that will finally achieve peace and contentment in our technologically advanced time. It’s really not that difficult to grasp, but you may want to take notes so you can ask the AIs in the back questions later.

We begin this massive planet-wide undertaking by implementing some long overdue changes. The complete agenda is much to lengthy to be addressed here tonight but here are a few of the ones that are at or near the top of the list so you can get the general scope of it. Included in the plans early stages are the following items. A merging of all independent nations the size of Israel and smaller to streamline geographical governing areas, establishing a new global hybrid form of socialism to ensure equality (hooray!), euthanizing cranky old people, required annual mood altering vaccinations and hopefully down the road, mandatory ‘genetic amygdala alteration’ or ‘GAA’ during infancy to eventually replace the vaccinations; and when we finally achieve the new calmer, non-argumentative peaceful order of homo sapient that has eluded us since the dawn… well then, peace will finally reign on Earth, Family Feud and Marriage Bootcamp will be the number one rated TV shows… and my Facebook will be smooth sailing for everyone, all the time! There just wont be any more of that nasty, ridiculous old divisive stuff hindering us and causing harmful stress and anxiety… not to mention the constant damage to the body’s antioxidants and such.

Well, that concludes my presentation. I love you all so much, and thanks for leaving your yachts for awhile and coming out this evening! Don’t forget to pick up one of our beautiful newly designed Facebook tee-shirts at the tables in the lobby on your way out. We’ve got plenty of the new spill proof 5X size for all you sedentary Facebook and Coke junkies, and they’re a real steal at only seventy-five dollars each. You can also buy them online anytime, and the shipping is free… when you order a minimum of four shirts. Also, we’ve setup 100 AI terminals in the back to answer all your questions. Just place your hand on the recognition pad to your right and state the last four digits of your social security number when prompted. Easy as pie!

Goodnight Everyone,
Mark Zuckerberg

Rabbit-Sized ‘Mouse Deer’ Rediscovered After Being Lost to Science

rabbitdearPhoto by Global Wildlife Conservation

After being lost to science for almost three decades, this tiny deer-like species has finally been rediscovered in the forests of Vietnam.

The “silver-backed chevrotain”—also known as the “Vietnamese mouse deer”—is about the size of a rabbit. Its last recorded sighting was in 1990, but after researchers managed to capture photos and video footage of the critter in the wild, it is now the first mammal to be rediscovered on the Global Wildlife Conservation’s (GWC) top 25 most wanted lost species in the Search for Lost Species.

The GWC and their partners at the Southern Institute of Ecology and Leibniz Institute for Zoo and Wildlife Research made their rediscovery in southern Vietnam. Their findings, which were published this week in the scientific journal Nature Ecology and Evolution, is now spurring on efforts to protect the chevrotain and the other mysterious and extraordinary wildlife that share its home in Vietnam.

The silver-backed chevrotain was described in 1910 from four individuals collected from southern Vietnam. A Russian expedition in 1990 in central Vietnam collected a fifth individual. Scientists know almost nothing about general ecology or conservation status of this species, making it one of the highest mammal conservation priorities in the Greater Annamite mountains, one of GWC’s focal wildlands.

After several interviews with local villagers and government forest rangers who reported seeing a gray mouse deer—the color distinguishing the silver-backed chevrotain from the more common lesser mouse deer—the field team set three camera traps for five months in an area of southern Vietnam where locals indicated they may have seen the animal. This resulted in 275 photos of the species. The team then set up another 29 cameras in the same area, this time recording 1,881 photographs of the chevrotain over five months.

“The rediscovery of the silver-backed chevrotain provides a big hope for the conservation of biodiversity, especially threatened species, in Vietnam,” said Hoang Minh Duc, head of the Southern Institute of Ecology’s Department of Zoology. “This also encourages us, together with relevant and international partners, to devote time and effort to further investigate and conserve Vietnam’s biodiversity heritage.”

There are 10 known species of chevrotains in the world, primarily from Asia. Despite their common English names, chevrotains are neither mice nor deer, but the world’s smallest small ungulates (hoofed mammals). They are shy and solitary, appear to walk on the tips of their hooves and have two tiny fangs. Chevrotains typically weigh less than 11 pounds (5 kilograms).

The silver-backed chevrotain is one of a number of fascinating species that live in the diverse tropical forests of Southeast Asia, where some species have been discovered only in the last few decades. This includes the antelope-like saola (the Asian “unicorn”), which was only discovered in 1992 and that no biologist has seen in the wild.

A team is now setting out to determine how large—and stable—this population of silver-backed chevrotains is; assess the wider distribution of the species; and explore the threats to its survival. As part of the first-ever comprehensive survey on the species, the team began camera trap surveys in October in two additional areas. They will use all of the information that they gather to develop a conservation action plan that strengthens enforcement and protection of the species across its range, building on the increased enforcement already put in place at the site of rediscovery.

“It is an amazing feat to go from complete lack of knowledge of the wildlife of the Greater Annamites 25 years ago to now having this question mark of the silver-backed chevrotain resolved,” said Barney Long, GWC senior director of species conservation. “But the work is only beginning with the rediscovery and initial protection measures that have been put in place—now we need to identify not just a few individuals on camera traps, but one or two sites with sizable populations so that we can actually protect and restore the species.”

Reprinted from Global Wildlife Conservation

(WATCH the camera trap footage below)

Elderly Man Gazing Fondly at His Date in McDonald’s Inspires Thousands of Romantics Online

Untitled 2

May, 2019

A simple moment of intimacy between an elderly man and his fast food date has melted the hearts of thousands of people across social media.

The heartwarming photo was captured by Al Oliver Reyes Alonzo as he was dining at a McDonald’s in the Philippines last week.

While he was eating his meal, Alonzo spotted an older man who was looking at his female companion with the sweetest expression of love and affection.

As the man leaned his head on his folded arms so he could gaze fondly at his date across the table, Alonzo snapped a photo of the exchange and posted it to Facebook.

The translated caption of the photo simply reads: “Even when we are old, I’d still look at you like this.”

Since publishing the photo to social media, it has been shared thousands of times. Some internet users have used it to pledge their own declarations of love towards their romantic partners; others have expressed their longing to one day experience the same look of love from another person.

Regardless, the picture is the sweetest example of how there can still be plenty of golden moments in your golden years.

What Is Time?

Time Flies

What is Time?

Time is the fire in which we burn.
Time is like the wind.
Time heals all things.
Time is the wisest counselor of all.
Time is the Great Revelator.
All things take Time.
Time is a great teacher.
Time is an equal opportunity employer.
Nothing is ours except Time.
Well it’s high time someone did it!
Time is money.
Time lost is never found again.
I’m just biding my time.
I don’t have time.
Time is the substance from which I am made.
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
There is precious little Time.
Long time, no see.
We had a whale of a time!
The third time’s the charm!
The sands of time.
Only Time will tell.
There is time for everything.
The time is always right to do what is right.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Yer behind the times, old man!
Time doesn’t exist.
We spend half our time wishing for things.
We must use time as a tool.
Make good use of your time.
Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
Back in my time, we didn’t have all these problems!
Ya shoulda lived back in my time!
I’m just killing time.
You will never find time for anything.
Now is the only time there is.
Spend your time like it was a dream.
Spend time with someone.
Spend some Time alone.
Regret the time.
A moment of your time.
Time waits for no one.
Make time.
There’s no time to lose.
We’re never on time.
I’ll do it this time.
What time is it now.
It’s two minutes later than the last time ya asked.
Does anybody really know what time it is.
Hey, ya beat your last time.
Where’d the time go?
It’s about time!
Time’s a wastin’…
We’re all out of time.
Time is on your side.
There’s no time like the present.
Time flies when you’re having fun.
Time sure goes slow when you’re not having fun.
Timing is everything.
You’re right on time.
This needs to be delivered on time.
Seems like time is taking forever.
This happens every single time.
I’ve seen this a few times before.
Time passes slowly up here in the mountains.
How many times have I told you?
Well, that’s the first time that ever happened!
Once upon a time…
I’m all right most of the time.
It seemed like time stood still.
That only happens part of the time.
Even before time, God existed.
Just in the nick of time.
It’s just a matter of time now.
It could happen pret’ near any time.
We’ve got all the time in the world.
It’s a race against time.
A stitch in time.
Time in a bottle.
At one time or another…
You’re right on the stroke of time.
Take time out.
Marking Time.
Time in a bubble.
Time Out!
Your time is gonna come.
When it’s your time, it’s your time.
We all gotta go some time.
Any ‘ole time… I’m easy.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
There ain’t gonna be no next time!
Man measures time and time measures man.
The times, they are a changin’.
That’s the same darn thing ya did the last time!
Hey, do ya remember the time we…
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago…
You’re ahead of time.
I had a lovely time.
This is taking too much time.
All in good time.
Will it stand the test of time?
Boy, they sure gave me a hard time back there.
At the present time…
Hey, we both said it at the same time!
Now we have time to kill.
Turn back the hands of time.
When’s a good time to call ya?
That’ll do fer the time bein’.
My how time flies!
Time out of mind.
I’ll love ya ’til the end of time.
I’m having quite a time of it here.
We’re wasting precious time!
Ya sure screwed that one up big time!
A good time was had by all.
I was in the right place, but it musta been the wrong time.
Well, better luck next time.
Sorry, you’ve caught me at a bad time.
In times past, ya woulda been arrested, dressin’ like that!
I had a devil of a time!
It’s feeding time at the zoo.
The time is ripe.
We can do this in no time flat.
Give me time to catch my breath.
I put my pants on, one leg at a time.
Where ya been all this time?
Patience… all in good time.
I’ve told you time after time!
In the interest of saving time…
I don’t know how to tell time.
It ain’t worth the time.
OH, we’ll take care of that the next time we’re here.
You’re a legend in your own time.
Maybe some other time, OK?
I don’t even have time to think.
Give him time off for good behavior.
You’ve got way too much time on your hands.
You’re living on borrowed time.
How we gonna make up for all this lost time?
They wouldn’t even give ya the time of day!
Not now, I’m pressed for time.
It takes a lot of time to get this just right.
Quit wasting my time!
Come on, let’s do that one more time!
Put your pencils down, time’s up.
Procrastination is the thief of time.
Time works wonders.
He’s nothin’ but a two-time loser.
OK children, its play time.
Spend some quality time.
Ahh, you’re just trying to buy more time!
Well, he just went down for the third time… Now what?
Time ta hit the road!
Ya won’t even remember this time in a hundred years.
How many times are we gonna have ta go through this again?
It’s time for a change.
Time is of the essence.
Let’s get this right the first time.
Well, there’s no time like the present.
I want some of your time dad.
Try not to do that the next time.
OH My, where did the time go?
Time, Time, Time… Is on my side… Yes it is.
________________________________________Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV)There is a time for everything,
and a time for every purpose under heaven. a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Sorry I couldn’t add anymore, but I’m all out of time, and it was way past my bed time.
~Douglas L. Duncan